...the trouble with things...

Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given
I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don't understand

I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don't wanna die
But I ain't keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I'm preparing to leave her

Scare myself to death
That's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived
I can see myself coming
I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
And I need to feel
Real love and the love ever after
I can not get enough

I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
I got too much love
Running through my veins
To go to waste

I just wanna feel
Real love and the love ever after
There's a hole in my soul
You can see it in my face
It's a real big place

Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand

about last nights episode... dun dun DAH!

bonjour mes amis!

so im here to "write" the wrong (haha i'm PUNny!) and get rid of all this confusion. one day when i write my life story ala james frey (a million little pieces, itll be about my heart! EMO jo, HAHA) ill set the record straight for REALS, but for now:

yes...i  know its SUPER lame i got voted off, and im sorry if it was at all shocking to any of you...but i guess it was coming. i mean, they never show my good side! (it does in fact exist people!) its not fair and it really really sucks. after meeting some of you folks in person and chatting with you on myspace and such, i really feel that i want to be the best vj for you guys. it has meant the world to me that everyone has shown me endless amounts of support. im sorry if youve seen me in public and yelled at me or something and i walked away...dont always think negatively. perhaps i didnt hear you? or perhaps yelling at someone across the street or chasing them down an escalator isnt a good way to get someones attention.

for the haters out there, i bless you because you just dont understand whats going on for REAL and i forgive you and hope one day youll stop being so pinheaded. im actually truly amazed at how many people have cared about me and supported me when i needed them the most AND when i was in the penthouse and had no idea anyone liked the show! its really been a difficult time for me and im not gonna back down NOW, ive come too far, i need to stay positive and i KNOW-I-CAN-DO-THIS!!!! i cant give up, so neither can you.

SOOOOO  "how can we help casey!?" heres where i need everyones help to get me voted back ON and WIN THIS THING! all i can say is "stayed tuned" for the moment and we'll find out WHEN/WHERE/IF the chance arises...hopefully my support network and "fans" will pull through for me! so as you may have heard, ONE person from the "loser loft" has the opportunity to get voted back ON the show and thats determined by you sassy smart canadians out there of course! if you ever were loyal to anyone i would honestly appreciate it very much the mostest now! i need all your positive energy to be sent my way, your continous support, your words of encouragement, your prayers and thoughts, i could use it all! thank you all for the love.

i must say, through it all, it was an unbelievable ride and i am grateful for it. to be picked at the vj winner would ultimately be the way i could repay all your consistant loyalty with my snarky attitude, fun outlook, music knowledge AND passion for this industry and pop culture and keep you viewers all interested and excited in what youre watching, make you THINK and NOT be a robot rambling at you, and so much more! sure ive had some bad moments, who doesnt in life?! and we learn, grow, and move on and hopefully come out on top and in better spirits! 

and oh YEAH!!! i mean this with the utmost sincerity and love from the bottom of my heart. send me a message. i WILL do the best i can to reply to every single one of you!! keep watching it, even if its behind your hands or if you yell at the screen and shake your fist!

in closing, regardless of the winner, i KNOW something positive will come of it. i know canada will make the right choice.

much love to you all,

               casey-jo

on fucking call.

i was promised a day on call and got a night one.

don't worry, they said.

you won't get called in.

no, i said. i have a feeling someone's gonna wanna give themself a night off.

no, don't worry, they said. it'll work out fine.

you don't understand i said. i can't stand friday and saturday nights there.

i know. they said. you don't have to work them, they said.

well FUCK.

now i'm working. server closing no less.

even though it's saturday night.

i hate that place.

i hate last minute call in sicks.

and i hate that i could see it happening from a mile away.

hope whoever gave themselves the night off has a fucking great time.

2 saturdays in a row of being fucked over.

victoria can bit my ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh the insesent drama and angst filled lives we all live to tell our live-journals and blogs.


i think we need some intervention from sista mary j. blige who'll preach on about the perils of escaping the soap-opera that is life.

Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

No more pain 
No more pain 
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Noone's gonna make me hurt again

Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn't be around
Or maybe I like the stress
Cause I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more

No more pain (no more pain)
No more game (no more game messin with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Nooone's gonna make me hurt again
No more tears (no more tears, I'm tired of cryin everynight)
No more fears (no more fears, I really don't wanna cry)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
I don't ever wanna hurt again
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind

Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Avoid these drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So find your happiness
I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win

No more pain (no more pain)
No more game (tired of your playin' game with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No more, no more, No more, no more
No more tears (no more tears, no more cryin every night)
No more fears (no more waking be up in the morning)
No drama, no more in my life 

No more drama, no more drama
No more drama, no more drama
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
No more drama in my life
So tired, tired of these drama

casey, this was my result, so i think this thing is rigged:

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4.7
Mind:	4.1
Body:	5.1
Spirit:	3.3
Friends/Family:	3.5
Love:	7.7
Finance:	4.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

sitting at home. wide awake and in desperate need of sleep.

eating nutella straight outa the jar with a spoon. i know my tummy will hurt, but fuck it.
 it's cheaper and easier than going down to the mac's for a three pack of ferrero roches.

i hate what ifs.

i need to win the lottery. i guess i should play first.

i have a magazine problem. it's not my fault that tom cruise is a fucking moron and i feel the need
to read about what a fucking moron he continues to be.

i need sleep. NOW.

Spitting it out means like.
Swallowing means love.
And gargling with cum makes you look like a crazy slut that probably has STDs

i don't feel much like talking. but i'll write this now.

not because i'm sad. but because i'm emotionally exhausted.

i've got nothing goth or dark or whatever the fuck kids are writing about to say here.

just that i've seen a broken man with a broken heart.

i feel no need to make mindless conversation today. maybe another day.

i don't want to say how things went because i will in my own time on my own space.

i don't need words of wisdom, don't want to hear a song.

i don't care to try and sound smarter than i am. big words only hide an insecure mind.

you love someone. you watch them die. you pray to God. you sit and cry.

the world is broken. i'm afraid we might not fix it, so i worry. i have nightmares. i haven't slept well in four nights.

i am in love. i'm out of touch. i'm not happy with the things in my life, so i'm gonna change em.

i'm going to cut off all my hair, FUCK YOU if you don't like it. i never asked you anyway. i'm going to find what makes me happy.
and with the growing list of things i hate about myself, don't make me feel ashamed that i love the shape of my head.

my baby's gonna teach me to ride a skateboard and i'm going to learn to swim. he's also gonna help me get to where i'm going.

i'm gonna play my drums. i'm going to play bass. going to get a killer tattoo that wraps around my lower arm.

i'll keep working my mindless job, and do things to help my dreams on the side.

i'm gonna start a web-magazine. are you with me?

i'm also gonna call people on their bullshit. especially the ones who are pompus, self-righteous, and think they know everything.

people who think they're never wrong are idiots. especially when it comes to relationships.

i admit that i'm often wrong. if i hadn't, then i might have never let someone in who i needed all along.

i love my friends. and though sometimes i'm not around to return the calls, i appreciate them none-the-less.

i wrote what came to mind. now i'm done. not because i've written all i needed to write, but because i have things to do, like living my life.

how do you console someone who's about to loss the most important person in their life?


how do you say "everything will be alright" when you know that it won't.


how do you make their pain easier to sustain?


tonight, someone's heart is breaking.

I've been around, been in the lost and found.
Then I found myself in your eyes.
Thought it was just one more night on the town.
Then I realized I realized...

I'm sleeping with an angel. (S)he makes me feel so good.
Sleeping with an Angel. I didn't know I could.
But I've done too many wrongs, sung too many songs,
to be sleeping with an angel, sleeping with an angel.
I've been in love, and I've seen it all fall apart.
I hurt so bad, and I hurt somebody real bad.
I didn't think I could ever feel love again.
 
And in your eyes I see the light
of a million candles burning bright,
and in your eyes I see the light
of a million candles burning bright.

Sometimes I feel shell-shocked like I've been through a war.

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

to the gentleman:

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

dropping L bombs like yankee doodles on Afghanistan,

peeps be inquiring 'bout it asking things like "who's the man?"

feelin' like i should be on a rocket- launcher to Japan,

i hope to God my life gets better before i kick the almighty can.


that was the worst journal posting ever but i don't give a fuckityfuckfuck cause i'm an asshole like that.

Sorry you can't define me, sorry I break the mold
Sorry that I speak my mind, sorry don't do what I'm told
Sorry if I don't fake it, sorry I come so real
I will never hide what I really feel


Oh sorry if I ain't perfect, sorry I don't give a fuck
Sorry I ain't no diva, sorry just know what I want
Sorry I'm not a virgin, sorry I'm not a slut
I won't let you break me, think what you want


To all my dreamers out there, I'm with you
All my underdogs, I feel you
Lift your head high, and stay strong
Keep pushing on..


more words of wisdom from an unlikely source.

june 19th, 2005....

 it's such a prefect day.
 i'm glad i spent it with you.
oh what a prefect day, you just keep me hanging on...


don't think i'll ever forget it.

skater boy makes me feel like dancing in the street...

i hate everybody. i might feel differently tomorrow or the next day, but today i HATE EVERYONE. especially this stupid guy at work who i thought quit but decided to stay. he's so fucking fake and it's like no one sees that he's a pathological liar except me. seriously, i may act like i'm not listening, but i'm pretty good at remember stupid lies that keep getting repeated over and over especially when you can't even keep the fucking details right. i don't care who he's friends with, the sight of him makes me want to choke on my own vomit.

 i hate how you can't just get a job, do it and go home. always training some other chump to become a slave, getting managing shifts which really means you're a certified chump. i fucking hate all of it. it's taking every ounce of power in me not to call in sick for tommorrow. i'm also contemplating leaving by the end of august. cause this is bullshit. no one ever asks me if i want the stupid resposibility they give me. they don't ever care that i say it makes me unhappy.

i'm in a very ill-content moment right now. maybe i'm PMSing. who knows. but i wanna punch everyone right in the face. you're all asshole.


go play in traffic.

BLACK GIRL

Black girl, so fine and bright 
Black girl, you shine as the night 
Black girl, you move me so right 
I just have to make you mine 
'Cause you make me lose my mind 

Black girl, with beauty so deep 
Black girl, just rock me to sleep 
Black girl, good things you will reap 
'Cause you're of the ancient vine 
And you're from another time 
And your history's all in line 

Ain't it funny how I used to wonder 
How could such a lovely girl give me love 
Oh oh oh oh oh yeah yeah 

Black girl, your ancestry's long 
Black girl, you're where you belong 
Black girls, have got to be strong 
Got to keep your spirits high 
Got to keep yourselves alive 
You're just gonna make it fine 

Listen baby you're the jewel of my eye 
Come on girl 
Everything's gonna be alright 
Listen baby 
I just got to make you mine



- Lenny Kravitz

L.A.'s fine, the sun shines most the time
And the feeling is 'lay back'
Palm trees grow, and rents are low
But you know I keep thinkin' about
Making my way back

Well I'm New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores
L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home
New York's home, but it ain't mine no more

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king
And then became one
Well except for the names and a few other changes
I you talk about me, the story's the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried, but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared for the sound of being alone

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

he was a boy,
she was a girl.
can i make it anymore obvious....


stupid song, won't get out of my head.... bah!!!!!!!